Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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