i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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