Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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