From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
