I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize