did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
