rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
