if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
