My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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