it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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