Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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