My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
