Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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