my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
