I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
