Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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