how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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