i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize