My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize