I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
