I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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