Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
