If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
