I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
