She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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