tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I lost the right to judge tonight
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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