please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
