I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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