i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I wish you could order shots online.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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