I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Houston, we have a squirter
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
