We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
