I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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