Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ketchup is God's man juice
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize