Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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