I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
