Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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