Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
