Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
