Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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