Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
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