All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
