...so i touched it.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
