I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
