apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
the night ended with taco bell and tears
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
