Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
