i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
