I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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