Moan for me like Helen Keller
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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