He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
