I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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