i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
mondays should just be called national damage control day
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize