Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Randomize
