Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
