my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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