My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
