I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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