I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
