Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
