I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
