Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize