I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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