I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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