Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
