Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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