Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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