I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
