you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
