You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Four minutes until I can fart!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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